Don’t get me wrong, because I’m totally buying stock in this stuff. I’ve been trying to think of a better name, though. “Cougar in a Can” doesn’t fit, because younger women will want this, too. I also thought of “Viagra for the Vajajay,” but the stiffie/woodie imagery simply doesn’t fit. They need to think of something that will convey “Champagne Melted Dark Chocolate Winning the Coochie Lottery P.S. All Your Collagen is Restored.”
I am in the early half of my fifties, my periods might have
finally ended, KNOCK WOOD, and I am single again, only this marriage was to a
woman. I tell you this only because
it’s totally hot I am sure that some of you are lesbian or bisexual
too. So, like some of you, at the
present time I am a sole practitioner, if you will, and do not have a partner’s
perspective to share with you.
Anyway, here is my experience with the actual product. Zestra is a concoction primarily of botanical oils, and it comes in little foil packets. The instructions suggest starting with whole packet, but I decided to start with about half a packet – see “concerns” below. Who knows how much I actually used, because I didn’t weigh or measure it, and the unused portion later leaked all over my underwear drawer. Hint: when storing opened packets, remember the thing about gravity.
So, I applied the oil as directed (snicker) and then set about doing incredibly sexy household chores. I figured the first go-around I’d just see if I would be struck by some kind of…imperative. I wasn’t thinking scientifically yet, so I failed to note the precise time of application. My bad.
I hadn’t even made it to the laundry room when I began to feel a lovely WARM sensation. I meant to unload the dryer, but I was distracted by, um, thoughts. Of England.
Before going any further, let me note my CONCERNS:
- I am one of those women whose lady parts can often be a bit
too sensitive. This means that if
stimulation is too intense, my pearl just kind of numbs out and has to put on
sunglasses, go home early and miss the fireworks. So I was worried
that Zestra might make me too sensitive, which would be a deal-breaker for me. To my great delight, that was no problemo. As an amateur science expert, I know that the physiological
key to arousal is engorgement – when erogenous areas are filled with blood, and
blossom like some kind of lovely sea flower. That seems to be the effect that Zestra has. So whether you prefer to be touched
with feather lightness or
poundnot, I don’t believe that Zestra will do anything to hamper your style.
- As a (gasp!) lesbian, my other concern was the taste of the product. You don’t want some artificial bubble-gum flavor messing with a woman’s umami. So I tasted it, and found it to be very mild and pleasant. It does make your tongue kind of tingle, but my guess is that your partner would not care if his/her tongue swelled to the size of a grapefruit, because damn, you are sexy when you writhe and purr like that.
For my second experiment, I used the stopwatch function on my iPod. This is science, dammit! Therefore, I can report to you the following:
- Quantity used – about half a packet
- After 45 seconds – started to feel a nice warmth, which steadily increased
- 2 minutes - As a scientist, I tried different physical arrangements to modulate warmth and coolness. Standing buck naked in a breezy, open window proved awkward, whereas tucking my legs together created a lovely, cozier package.
- 3 minutes - Did I mention that the warmth was very, very nice, and that it just kind of kept increasing?
- 4 minutes – Hello, Kitty! These are the exact words that came into my head. Hey, that would make a great name for an entire line of products!
- Purely Scientific Observation: Even the gentlest friction ramps up the heat.
--THIS SECTION OF THE REVIEW HAS BEEN FLAGGED OFFENSIVE BY USERS--
and it wasn’t until about 40 minutes later that the warmth seemed to gradually begin to subside.
- 50 minutes – still warm, but probably will not be distracting. Thank God I can get on with my work.
- 1 hour, 5 minutes – still feeling cozy.
- 1 hour, 30 minutes – kind of a warm memory. Hmmm. Oh, how interesting. A wee bit of friction still gooses the heat, surprisingly. An ambitious gal could certainly take another walk around the block (WINK).
So, the bottom line is that I think that Zestra has a ridiculous, embarrassing name, but goddam, I will buy it. I have eight sisters and sisters-in-law, and I when they get their presents, I am totally going to be the favorite, at last.
is not cheap like
me boxed wine. But, neither is it expensive like aged Scotch. That means that none
of the sisters will be getting a full box (oh, just stop it).
Not to worry, though. I’m
sure that in no time at all, your insurance company will cover this, just as
they cover Viagra for men. BWAH,
HA HA HA! Oh, I kill myself. You can request a free sample on the
website. Trust me, it will be well
worth the five bucks you will pay for postage.
In the meanwhile, I will keep working on names to suggest to the company. If I could just think of a shorter way to say, “Hi, my Name is Brad Pitt. My Wife and I Think You are Incredibly Sexy and we Want to Make You…Breakfast.”
WANT SOME? Oh, yes you do:
We're having a Zestra Essential Arousal Oils giveaway!
Check out the Zestra website.
Go to this post and leave a comment with a little factoid about Zestra such as -
"Zestra is safe, hormone-free, has no known drug interactions, and works in minutes."
We'll pick a comment by random and send a sample set of Zestra Essential Arousal Oils to the lucky commenter!